I’ve been wanting to write on here more regularly, but whenever I sit down to write, I face this resistance.
The resistance comes from the fact that over the years – on here and on the previous blog – I’ve written some things that I’m really proud of, and when I sit to write now, I measure what I’m currently writing against the things I’ve written, and more often than not, the thing I’m writing comes up short.
About two months ago, a close friend shared that he’s trying to get back into running, and to help with the process, he’s following a Return to Running (RTR) plan on the Runna app.
For a long time, my goal had been to run a sub-2hr half marathon.
In 2021, the long and strict lockdowns in KL meant that I had no social life, so all I did was train. Two days gym; four days running. I ran diligently for months,and sometime towards the end of that year, and in the best shape of my life, I ran my best half-marathon; finished with an average pace of 5:15/km.
About six months after that, while bouldering in an indoor climbing gym, I twisted my back, fell, and landed wrongly. I was in the kind of pain that expands one’s capacity for empathy, and for several months afterwards, I could not do any exercise.
When I started feeling strong enough to go back into the gym (regular one, not the climbing kind; took me years to go back climbing), I also tried getting back into running. But almost every time I tried – especially for long distances – my back gets aggravated, and the pain returns for days after. So I stopped trying.
Last year, I applied to an artist residency here in Berlin. I didn’t get in, which was fine at the time because I’d just moved to the city less than a year before. I was still trying to figure out my living situation, my social circle, and my work.
I applied again this year, and again, I didn’t get in.
I don’t know why I didn’t get in, but one thing that came to mind was that my 2024 portfolio looked exactly like my 2025 portfolio. And if I were someone responsible for selecting artists for a residency, I wouldn’t want to select an artist who’s in their stagnant period.
The Return to Running plan starts you off easy. Each session starts with a 5-minute warm-up walk, and then you run a few minutes at a conversational pace, then 1-2 minutes walking rest, and then another short conversational run… until, eventually, you end with a 5-minute cool-down walk. Slowly, as you progress through the program, the rests become shorter and shorter until, by the end, you’re running 5K at a conversational pace without stopping.
Last week, I ran a 5K without stopping for the first time in almost 2 years. The way I did it was going back to basics. Shedding the identity of the runner I used to be and facing the person that I am. I did it by taking it slow. Running at a pace of sometimes up to 8:10/km and often just walking because it was the best I could do.
I followed the program diligently, and at the end of 6 weeks, I hit 5K at a conversational pace.
There are quite a few writers who are also runners, the most famous of which is probably Haruki Murakami, who once described running as a metaphor for both writing and life itself.
So what would the RTR equivalent for writing be? For my art? For life itself? What’s the writing equivalent of walking for 5 minutes, running for 2, and then resting for 1?
These days when I write, I wonder if it’s worth someone’s time spent reading. I ask myself why anyone would read me when they could be reading several Substacks or Mediums, not to mention all the other things they could be doing with their time. And then, of course, I stop writing.
But maybe some pieces are 5-minute warm-up walks. Maybe I’ll need to get through a couple of those before I start running at a conversational pace. And sometimes, perhaps without meaning to, I will take a rest mid-run and walk again.
I have no intention of applying for that particular residency next year, but hopefully, over the next couple of months, my walks will turn into runs, and at some point, I’ll make enough things that I’m proud of for an updated portfolio.
Not necessarily for validation, but to hopefully get out of this creative stagnation.